im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
