i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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