Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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