Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
