3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize