I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
