Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
