You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
