Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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