I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
