Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
please don't ironically join a cult
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