There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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