I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
