This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
