there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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