Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize