I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
