I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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