The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
