Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
