I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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