I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
