I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
