I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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