I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize