I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
