Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
