haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
