I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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