why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize