Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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