i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
