Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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