the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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