I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
