Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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