Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
