sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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