??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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