ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
