Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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