Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
