oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
