Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize