She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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