Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
