My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
