Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
