It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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