I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
