You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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