I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
