Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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